What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

What is the thing that the olden generation enjoys more than the modern generation?

I never cut or harmed myself..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

We were not on the streets..

Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She loved him until the end.

I couldn’t, believe it.

What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?

This is soul school!.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

One cannot live in the past .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Is Veuve Clicquot Brut a good champagne?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But, we were locked up after school.

Comes on , in middle age.

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My mum and dad in the seventies!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Why am I always so tired, no matter how much I sleep?

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Was to survive, this bastard.

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

All the time i was locked up.

But ive been too sick for many years..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

As i do to all so called friends.?

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Why did i forgive my father ?

Who then, do I blame.?

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He knew the spot.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

She found it foreign!.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

And i lived it daily.

But it wasn’t much.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I was scared of men, in general

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I write beautiful poetry .

Would this be the day?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I was 9 years of age.

Especially a lifetime of it.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I waited trembling.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She wouldn,t have been !

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was very sick at this time too.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

We all went to grammer schools

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I think the readers, may guess!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

She married twice! .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I don,t even have a pension.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I will be 64.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I could never make a relationship work though!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

(And it was in our own minds.)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Ive learnt so much.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I said to her

I have no regrets .

So, i spoilt her more .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Im still living with it.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

My life is so biszare .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She was in good health!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

My family never makes their pension either.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

It was going to be , some day.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

What did i know ?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

When she asked me how she looked .

Put me off passion for life!!

So whats the point in blame.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was seconnd youngest,

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!